The following is a manuscript of the sermon presented by Senior Pastor Dr. Roger Patterson on Sunday, September 17, 2023 at our West U Baptist campus. To view the sermon in full, check out the link below.

“Dear, you haven’t forgotten what day this is have you?” Mrs. Timkins asked her husband of thirty years.

Doing some quick thinking, her husband replied, “Of course I haven’t forgotten what day this is. I thought about it last night as I went to sleep and it was the first thing I thought of this morning. Why don’t you go out and buy yourself the finest dress you can afford and we’ll plan to go to a fine restaurant tonight to celebrate.”

Mrs. Timkins told her friends afterwards, “That was the best Groundhog’s Day I’ve EVER had!”

Hey, ladies, if you have a husband who will fawn over you on Groundhog’s day, you have a special man!

We are continuing our series today called Flourishing Family by talking about how Serving Your Spouse is The Power For Marriage.

The context of the marriage passage in Ephesians 5 helps us to understand this truth—The Power For Marriage is in learning to serve.

Ephesians 5:15-25

 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. ¹⁸ And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, ²⁰ giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Wives and Husbands

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…

People get hung up on v.22 where it says, “wives submit to your husbands.” Many people love to parse and dissect this verse and get hung up on gender roles.

But, our focus today is not to discuss gender roles in marriage. Our purpose is to talk about the prevailing attitude that is behind what Paul is communicating.

Remember, when Paul wrote this letter there were no headers or divisions in the passage. We often think Paul starts a brand new subject in v.22, but that’s not the case. As he writes, he is carrying on the encouragements and instructions from the whole book/chapter and then applying it to the marriage relationship.

So, undergirding the roles in marriage is this phrase in v.21—“submitting to one another, out of reverence for Christ.”

Ephesians 5:21

²¹ submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Paul is applying to marriage a general principle about the Christian life—that all Christians who truly understand the gospel must go through a radical change. And that radical change is in the way they relate to people.

And this radical change is this: We must put the needs of others in front of our own, following Christ’s example.

If the Son of Man didn’t come to be served but to serve and give his life as a ransom, then, we too, should take the position of a servant in our marriages! The Power For Marriage is found in learning how to serve your spouse.

Tim Keller, in his book The Meaning Of Marriage, says it this way—

“To start arguing about that (gender roles) is a mistake that will be fatal to any true grasp of Paul’s point. Only if you have learned to serve others by the power of the Holy Spirit will you have the power to face the challenges of marriage.”

Are you humbly serving your husband or wife? Washing their feet? If you are like me, sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t. It is easier said than done.

Why is this? What keeps us from living this way? Why do we struggle to humbly serve our spouses?

Last week I taught on how sin is what makes marriages struggle. And what does sin lead us to do? It causes us to be focused on ourselves—we are selfish and self-centered. It’s what we describe as the “Me Marriage.”

Here is how this plays out in marriage…there are 4 aspects to this sin of selfishness…

How Selfishness is Seen in Marriage:

1. Pride

PRIDE—Pride is in our nature. Adam and Eve’s original sin in the garden was a sin of pride, where they wanted to be like God, knowing good and evil. Not only did it affect their relationship with God, but it also affected their relationship with each other.

Anytime I do marital counseling and listen to the story of a husband and wife who are constantly struggling in their relationship, the root of that struggle is pride that prevents them from humbling themselves and serving the other.

But, there’s another reason people struggle with selfishness…

How Selfishness is Seen in Marriage:

1. Pride
2. Past Wounds

PAST WOUNDS—Every person enters into marriage with some sort of baggage. It could be from a past relationship. It could be from our family dynamics. But, we all come into marriage with something and we drop that bag off in the middle of the marriage.

Engaged couples say things like—

“Well, as soon as we get married, everything will be fine.”

We buy into this myth that our spouse is going to fix all of our problems. I tell young couples—

“not only will they not fix your problems, but they are going to bring their own set of problems and stack them on top of yours!”

“Pastor,” complained the man visiting his pastor for marriage problems, “I’ve only been married for a couple of years, but things are really getting bad. Just a year ago I would come home from work and my dog would race around barking for joy and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now it’s the opposite: my dog brings me my slippers and my wife barks at me.”

“What’s the problem?” the minister asked, “you’re still getting the same service, aren’t you?”

Past wounds in marriage make us selfish because we are longing for our spouse to fix them. And when they can’t, we get bitter and resentful and cold.

Listen, your spouse was never meant to heal your wounds. Only Christ, through the gospel, can do that.

Here is another reason selfishness rears its head in marriage…

How Selfishness is Seen in Marriage:

1. Pride
2. Past Wounds
3. Fear

FEAR—Because of our sin and past wounds, this fear exists because we don’t want to feel rejected when we long for unconditional love. And this drives us to put up walls and to isolate ourselves, in an effort of self-protection. Here is the problem—intimacy is lost. Fear and intimacy cannot co-exist.

And here is the last way selfishness displays itself in marriage…

How Selfishness is Seen in Marriage:

1. Pride
2. Past Wounds
3. Fear
4. Control

Control—When issues arise in marriage, rather than dealing with the root problem of selfishness by humbling ourselves before God and our spouse, many people try to take matters into their own hands and control the situation. We say, “what do I need to do to have MY needs met?” We all struggle with control.

What’s the point? We have to deal with our selfishness if we want to have a satisfying marriage.

One author says it this way—

“If two spouses each say, ‘I’m going to treat my self-centeredness as the main problem in my marriage,’ you have the prospect of a truly great marriage.”

So, how do we deal with selfishness in marriage? The context of Paul’s passage on marriage gives us the answer. The verses leading up to him addressing husbands and wives, give us a picture of how to have a Selfless Marriage. We are going to work backward, looking at 4 points…

A Selfless Marriage Requires…

1. Fearing Christ (v. 21)

A Selfless Marriage Requires…

I. Fearing Christ (v. 21)

Ephesians 5:21

²¹ submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Paul introduces this section on marriage by saying that we submit to one another “out of reverence for Christ.” The word here is “fear,” and it means, “to be overwhelmed or controlled by something.”

Rather than trying to exercise control, to have our needs met, we should give up control and be so overwhelmed and controlled by God, that He is the one meeting our needs.

There is an old legend that says Zacchaeus went every day outside the city of Jericho carrying a bucket of water. One day, his wife followed him, wondering what this daily ritual was all about. She saw him stop at a certain sycamore tree. Zacchaeus poured his bucket of water on the tree’s thirsty roots, and then stood there reverently looking up into the tree. It was a sacred place, for it was the place where his life was changed.

But unfortunately a lot of Christians stop growing right there! They can tell you the day and the hour they first met Jesus Christ, but they have never taken the step of letting the Living Christ rearrange the priorities of their lives.

Friends, we must renounce being lord of our lives and give up control and be so overwhelmed and controlled by Christ, that He is the one meeting our needs.

When our expectation is on our spouse and not on God, we will never be in a position to serve.

Until God has the proper place in our lives, we will always be complaining that our spouse is not meeting our needs—not loving me well enough, respecting me well enough, etc.

So, they way to experience a selfless marriage is to make sure that we fear God—meaning that we are giving up control and rather than seeking to take control.

As we working backward through the text, we come to the next point on what is needed to have a Selfless Marriage…We need…

A Selfless Marriage Requires…

1. Fearing Christ (v. 21)
2. Continual Filling of the Holy Spirit (v. 18-21)

A Selfless Marriage Requires…

II. Continual Filling of the Holy Spirit (v. 18-21)

Ephesians 5:18-21

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, ²⁰ giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Paul says, “Do not be drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.” In other words, ‘Don’t be controlled by an external substance, but be controlled by the Spirit who lives in you.”

This means that we must allow our thoughts and minds to be captivated, and my life to be directed, by the glory of God and His kingdom.

According to John 14&16, the role of the HS is to take truths about Jesus and make them clear to our hearts and minds so that they change us at our core.

John 14:26-27

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. ²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

The Father and Son give the Spirit to us to:

• Teach Us
• Lead Us to Peace

And here is the key: When we are filled with the Spirit, our focus is not on ourselves but on God and others.

So, guess what? You heard me say in there that I make my wife’s coffee each morning as an act of service and a declaration that “I am here to serve you.”

What you didn’t hear me say there is that I am up before her and most mornings, I am spending time with God. And in my time with God, I deal with me. I deal with my:

• Words from the previous day
• My thought life
• My actions

The whole goal, before praying for all of my family, the church, and other interests in my life is that I have to:

                                    LAY MY LIFE DOWN.

So, before I perform my first act, of what should be many acts of service, I have to PREPARE MYSELF FOR SERVICE, by bringing my flesh to the Holy Spirit.

Every single day is an opportunity to build or to tear down. I choose to build. Build…lay down your life and take up the life of Christ found in our walk with the Holy Spirit, and be filled so that you might serve!

Not only are we to fear Christ and Be filled with Spirit, but if we want to have a selfless marriage, we must learn to walk in wisdom. That’s our 3^rd point for having a selfless marriage…

A Selfless Marriage Requires…

1. Fearing Christ (v. 21)
2. Continual Filling of the Holy Spirit (v. 18-21)
3. Walking in Wisdom (v.15-17)

A Selfless Marriage Requires…

III. Walking in Wisdom

Ephesians 5:15-17

 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

Look at v.15 and how Paul has been building his argument. He grounds this admonition to be filled with the Spirit by tying it to v.15, which says, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.”

We live in a day and time where marriage is in decline and we can conclude that the culture is hostile to marriage. We can agree that the days are evil. And Paul says the way to deal with this is to “make the best use of the time” by walking in wisdom.

What does this mean? After studying this, I found that this is the simplest way to say it—Don’t waste time and energy on things that don’t matter.

Now, what does this have to do with marriage? So often we give ourselves to things that are of lesser importance. We place great priority on our careers, money, possessions, hobbies, other relationships, etc.

But here is what is true: Anything that rivals in priority to our spouse, other than God, is a lack of wisdom. And it will lead to misplaced priorities and dissatisfaction.

C.S. Lewis said—

“Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find him, and with him everything else thrown in.”

Wise people prioritize—Christ/Kingdom, Spouse, Kids, and then everything else.

In my marriage, I have got to communicate that the only thing that takes priority over my wife is Jesus.  Because I know that “Where my treasure is (my investment), there my heart will be also.”

When we choose to live this way, we are demonstrating a servant’s attitude that seeks to Love God with heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love others.

That leads to our last point. How do we have a selfless marriage that is happy and satisfying? A Selfless Marriage Requires…

A Selfless Marriage Requires…

1. Fearing Christ (v. 21)
2. Continual Filling of the Holy Spirit (v. 18-21)
3. Walking in Wisdom (v.15-17)
4. Walking in Love (Eph. 4:32-5:2)

A Selfless Marriage Requires…

IV. Walking in Love

Ephesians 4:32-5:2

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. ² And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Here Paul sets the foundation of relationships as he closes out chapter 4 and we get into chapter 5. This will ultimately springboard into marriage.

In v.1-2—“Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

The Power For Marriage is imitating the same kind of selfless love that Jesus displayed for us, who gave himself for us.

How did he give himself? He became a servant—a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. He laid down his life for our sake.

And that is what God is calling us to do in our marriages.

C.S. Lewis said it this way—

“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”

It’s here that I love to turn to Philippians 2.

We can’t preach on serving our spouse and all that we have talked about this morning without looking to Jesus as our example.

Notice how Philippians 2 describes Jesus.

Philippians 2:1-11

 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, ² complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. ³ Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵ Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. ⁸ And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. ⁹ Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, ¹⁰ so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, ¹¹ and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

So, what do we see here?

Paul says…if you have any benefit of being in Jesus, be:

1. Unified – by being of the same mind…same love…and in one accord.
2. Don’t be selfish, but count others more significant than yourselves.
3. Look not only to your own interests, but to the interest of others.
4. Have this mind…Have a JESUS MIND SET!

So, what does this say that Jesus did to bring us to God?

What did Jesus do to bring us to God?

He gave himself up for us.

• He gave up his glory and became a servant. (Phil. 2)
• He took on our human nature (Phil. 2:5ff)
• He went to the Cross and paid the penalty for our sins, removing our guilt and condemnation, so that we could be united with him. (Rom. 6:5)
• He died to his own interests and looked to our needs and interests. (Rom. 15:1-3)

And that is the key to not only understanding marriage but also walking in it.

The Power For Marriage is imitating the same kind of selfless love that Jesus displayed for us, who gave himself for us.

Happiness In Marriage

So, the Power for Marriage is learning to serve. This is the recipe for happiness.

We don’t find happiness by looking for happiness. We find happiness by sacrificially serving.

What am I asking you to do?

1. Reorder Your Priorities
2. Identify Selfishness
3. Be Intentional

What am I asking you to do?

1. Reorder your priorities. Don’t leave here today not having Christ first in your life.
2. Identify areas where you are selfish and confess them to God & your spouse.
3. Be intentional in your service to your spouse. Set the tone every day, somehow, even in the smallest thing.  Do this and remind yourself how important it is to love through service.