The following is a manuscript of the sermon presented by Senior Pastor Dr. Roger Patterson on Sunday, September 10, 2023 at our Crosspoint Church-Bellaire campus. To view the sermon in full, check out the link below.

Have you ever looked at a married couple and wondered, “What’s their secret?”

Chester and Lilly Arnold seem to have had a secret to their marriage that few have today.

Chester and Lilly were married for 69 years and 9 months.

At the Belmont retirement home, Chester was known as the man who never left his wife’s side when she was sick and dying.

When you look at marriage and the state of things today, and you look at Chester and Lilly, you may just ask, “I wonder what their secret was?”

We are starting a new series today called Flourishing Family. And today, we start with the foundation of the family – the covenant of marriage.

Now, you may be saying:

• “Hey wait…I’m happily married. I don’t need a message on marriage.”
• Or, “I’ve not done well in marriage…tried it and it didn’t go so well. I don’t necessarily need a message on marriage.”
• Or, “Pastor, I’m single…barely out of college and not even thinking about marriage.”
• Or, “I’m in high school…C’mon pastor Roger…”

I know…I know. But one of the things I want us to see is that the topic of marriage…the idea of marriage…the institution of marriage…is the foundation:

• of the family,
• the community,
• the church
• and healthy societies

Wherever you are regarding the topic of marriage, it is foundational to our society’s flourishing. And if we are to be good citizens, if we are to want our land to flourish, and if we want our own lives to flourish, we need to have a proper view of marriage.

Back in 2015, there emerged what was dubbed the Ashley Madison Scandal.  Ashley Madison is the website where married people can put themselves out there to have an affair.  Millions of people are using Ashley Madison and a number of the names were leaked. One of the most prominent figures who was exposed for using the site was Josh Duggar, the head of a Family Values Coalition.

Now as sad as the Dugger family problems were, what is even sadder is the fact that millions of people are using a website to put themselves out there to have an affair. You see, when you realize this is the case, it is not too illogical to conclude that marriage is messed up and marriage needs help. 

Marriage needs help, doesn’t it?  As we begin our series, I want us to begin with how we think about or see marriage.

Competing World Views:  We live in an age of competing worldviews.  They compete for our heart through various media.

1. Prevailing Culture – Exaltation of the Self

We live in a culture that has three core values over any and everything else.  This is what our culture celebrates:

1. Individual Freedom
2. Autonomy
3. Fulfillment

From the days of the Enlightenment forward, Marriage, as it was known through the ages, has been under assault.

In his book, The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller talks about what happened during the Enlightenment. He states:

“During the Enlightenment, the meaning of life came to be seen as the freedom of the individual to choose the life that most fulfills him or her personally.  But the institute of marriage, especially espoused by the Protestant and Catholic churches proclaimed that marriage was a place to learn meaning “through self-denial, through giving up one’s freedoms, and by binding oneself to the duties of marriage and family.” (Keller, The Meaning of Marriage, p. 28)

We live in a culture that has a view of self over all others in the world.  This is the predominant western worldview.  This led Tara Parker-Pope, a New York Times columnist to write an article entitled, “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”

Keller quotes her and I want to share a brief part of it with you.

She states:

“The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?  Not anymore.”

The ‘Me’ Marriage

Marriage isn’t about us…It’s about me.

The ‘Me’ Marriage declares that marriage isn’t about us, as it used to be, but about me.

This has led to two interesting views on marriage.

Two Views of Marriage…

1. Overly Romantic/Idealistic View

• Overly Romantic/Idealistic View—This view focuses on sex and romance, and fairytale endings. We look for that perfect person who is going to meet all of our needs…that perfect person who can finish our sentences.

One author says this is the…

“Desire for Apocalyptic Romance—We look to sex, romance, and marriage to give us what we used to get from faith in God. It is the illusion that if we find our true soul mate, everything wrong with us will be healed and all of our needs will be met.”

Only God can do that!

No human can live up to that! And the shattered dreams of the overly romantic/idealistic approach has led to the next extremem…

Two Views of Marriage…

1. Overly Romantic/Idealistic View
2. Overly Pessimistic/Cynical View

• Overly Pessimistic/Cynical View—

When one partner can’t be the end all or be all of life for another, this leads to great disappointment. This has led our culture to have a “Pessimistic Idealism” when it comes to marriage, which means that people are either expecting too much out of marriage, thus becoming disillusioned. Or they fear it, thus reducing it as a priority.

Comedian Chris Rock summed up well the view of many in our culture when he said, “Do you want to be single and lonely or married and bored?” This is how many young people view marriage!

This has led to the “Cohabitation” approach to relationships. Cohabitation is the mindset that we can test drive our relationship, get the sexual benefits of the relationship, but avoid the commitment, until we have found just the right person.

Today, more than 50% of all people live together before getting married.

The “Me” Marriage approach is a flawed one.  For centuries marriage has been viewed as a public institution for the common good, and now, as Keller says…

“It is, a private arrangement for the satisfaction of the individuals.  Marriage used to be about us, but not it is about me.” (Keller, p. 29)

As a result, Over the past 40-50 years, “leading marriage indicators” have shown marriage to be in steady decline. The divorce rate is nearly twice what it was in 1960.

• In 1970, 89% of all births were to married parents.
• Today, that number is down to 60%.

Tim Keller states:

“In short, the Enlightenment privatized marriage, taking it out of the public sphere, and redefined its purpose as individual gratification, not any “broader good” such as reflecting God’s nature, producing character, or raising children.”

The other competing worldview in western culture is the Biblical Worldview.

1. Biblical Worldview – What is a biblical worldview of marriage?

A Biblical Worldview asks, “How does God define marriage?  What does the Bible have to say about marriage?”

A biblical worldview gets its framework, understanding, and principles for marriage from the Holy Scriptures.

So how does the Bible define marriage?

According to the Bible, marriage can be defined as “a lifelong monogamous relationship between a man and a woman.”

How does the Bible define marriage?

“A lifelong monogamous relationship between a man and a woman.”

Biblical context teaches us that God designed this type of relationship for 4 reasons: (Genesis 2; Eph. 5; 1 Cor. 8; Heb. 13:4; 1 Peter 3; Prov. 18/19; Song of Solomon)

4 Reasons God Designed Marriage

1. To reflect His saving love in Christ. (Eph. 5:31-32)
2. To refine our character and make us more like Him. (Eph. 5:25-30/1 Pet. 3)
3. To create a stable community for birth and nurture of children. (Gen. 2)
4. To bring complementary sexes into a God-honoring, enduring union. (Gen. 2:18-25/Heb. 13:4)

This seems very academic, doesn’t it?

So here are a few follow up questions to these 4 reasons for biblical marriage:

• What does marriage look like when biblical principles on marriage are honored?
• What can we conclude about marriage when we embrace a biblical worldview and live it out?

Here is an attempt at that:

Biblical Marriage Lived Out

Marriage is the union of two flawed people coming together to, “create a space of stability, love, and consolation,” so that they can honor God through all of life’s trials and triumphs.

But friends, we have a problem.  Even in embracing a biblical worldview, even in professing that we follow Christ, Christian people often:

• struggle in marriage,
• sever their covenant,
• and have no greater success than the rest of society.

Why are marriages struggling so?  Whether Christian or not, what is the reason that marriages struggle, fail, and leave people disappointed and disenfranchised?

We have a SIN Problem.

·      The Problem is Sin.

·      The Problem is ME MARRIAGES.

·      Christian Me Marriages lead to the same result as Non-Christian ME Marriages.

·      ME Marriages have a foundation of Sin.

·       Sin is what drives a wedge.

·      AND Sin is what separates.

·      But today, I have good news.

You see, if sin is the problem of marriages, then God’s remedy for sin must be the answer for marriages. This leads to the big idea for today’s and some call it “The Secret of Marriage”— 

Here is the secret—the gospel and marriage define and explain each other.

The Secret of Marriage

The Gospel and marriage define and explain each other.

This is what Paul communicates in Ephesians 5:32, as he calls marriage a great mystery. So, let’s unpack this mystery, this secret.

Ephesians 5:31-32

³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

In these verses, Paul makes the connection between marriage and the gospel. And in doing so, he is saying 3 things about marriage that I want to share with you today:

Marriage is a

Product of God’s Design

I. Marriage is a…Product of God’s Design.

The Bible begins with a wedding (of Adam and Eve) and ends with a wedding in the Book of Revelation (of Christ and the Church). The concepts and roots of marriage are God’s design and God’s action. He looked at Adam and said, “it is not good for man to be alone…”

When I do a wedding ceremony, I always say that marriage is a sacred covenant because marriage is God’s idea. It didn’t originate in the heart and mind of man but in the heart and mind of God. The origin of marriage is in God’s divine plan.

What this means is that marriage is God’s gift to you! Some of you are facing challenges and thinking—“Does God accept exchanges?” Let’s not go there.

Proverbs 19:14

“House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.”

Guys, your wife is a gift from the Lord!  And Ladies, your husband is a gift from the Lord!

Some of you today, need to be reminded that God has given your spouse to you as a gift. And that gift is to be treated with love, kindness, and respect—not with contempt. If God gives us a gift, it is for our good!

The second reason why Paul makes this connection is…

Marriage is a

Product of God’s Design

Picture of Christ and the Church

II. Marriage Is A…Picture of Christ and the Church.

Ephesians 5:32

This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Paul says it is a profound mystery that a man and woman would become one flesh.

But, what is the secret of marriage? He immediately adds, “I am talking about Christ and the Church.”

This goes back to v.25 where he said—“love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”

So, the secret is not the union of marriage itself—the secret is that it should mirror what Jesus did to bring us into union with himself as his bride.

Notice how Philippians 2 describes Jesus.

Philippians 2:1-11

 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, ² complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. ³ Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ⁴ Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ⁵ Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. ⁸ And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. ⁹ Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, ¹⁰ so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, ¹¹ and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

So, what do we see here?

Paul says…if you have any benefit of being in Jesus, be:

1. Unified – by being of the same mind…same love…and in one accord.
2. Don’t be selfish, but count others more significant than yourselves.
3. Look not only to your own interests, but to the interest of others.
4. Have this mind…Have a JESUS MIND SET!

So, what does this say that Jesus did to bring us to God?

What did Jesus do to bring us to God?

He gave himself up for us.

• He gave up his glory and became a servant. (Phil. 2)
• He took on our human nature (Phil. 2:5ff)
• He went to the Cross and paid the penalty for our sins, removing our guilt and condemnation, so that we could be united with him. (Rom. 6:5)
• He died to his own interests and looked to our needs and interests. (Rom. 15:1-3)

And that is the key to not only understanding marriage but also walking in it.

One commentator put it this way:

“Paul saw that when God designed original marriage, He already had Christ and the church in mind. This is one of God’s great purposes in marriage: to picture the relationship between Christ and His redeemed people forever!”

Now what does that mean to us?

It means that the gospel is our foundation and pattern for how to be married.

• If Jesus gave himself up for the sake of the church, so we should give ourselves up for the sake of our spouse.
• If Jesus looked not to his own interests but to the interests of the church, then that’s what we should do for our spouse.
• Husbands – move from a ‘ME’ Marriage to a ‘SHE’ Marriage.
• Wives – move from a ‘ME’ Marriage to a ‘HE’ Marriage.

For some of us, this should completely reframe our approach. I

• nstead of being frustrated at what we are not receiving, we should rejoice in what we can give.
• When two people begin to live that way, marriage becomes exciting and fulfilling—because we are tangibly living out the gospel with the person we love!

Tim Keller says:

“If God had the gospel of Jesus’ salvation in mind when he established marriage, then marriage only works to the degree that approximates the pattern of God’s self-giving love in Christ.”

That is a great secret! And when we live in marriage that way, it leads to this third point…

Marriage is a

Product of God’s Design

Picture of Christ and the Church

Pathway of Transforming our Hearts, Choosing US over ME

III.  Marriage Is A…Pathway Of Transforming Our Hearts, Choosing US over ME.

James Stockdale, a navy officer in the Vietnam War, was shot down. As he was floating to the ground in his parachute, he had a conversation with himself, “How am I going to survive and how am I going to endure torture after I am captured? How am I going to find my reasons?”

He realized American prisoners of war during the Korean Conflict who were pitted against each other killed each other. So he decided, being the highest ranking officer ever captured, that he was going to lead the other prisoners. He taught them a phrase to utter out loud every day, empowering the culture of the entire camp: “U.S.” When a prisoner was led off to be tortured, the prisoner said, “U.S.,” and when they were carried back to their cell, they mumbled, “U.S.” He taught them, “Unity over self.” In other words, others!

John McCain was in this camp and his captors offered him freedom, but he came from a strong military heritage, so he understood “U.S.” He told his captors, “Only release me if you release all Americans.” They didn’t and continued to torture him. A great phrase for you to say out loud is “U.S. – unity over self.”

Romans 8:29

 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

Because marriage is connected to the gospel, it is a vehicle God uses to make us more like Him. It changes us. It calls us to come together. It calls me to be conformed to Jesus.

We have recently celebrated being married for 28 years and I pray that I am more like Christ than when I entered into the covenant with Julee.

Some may ask this question after hearing these things: Is the purpose of marriage to deny your interests for the good of the family, or rather to assert your interests for the fulfillment of yourself?

That’s one of those questions that makes you say—“Well, if you put it that way…”

Our responsibility is to deny our interests and sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our family.

But, some people say, “…but I’m not being true to myself. What about my needs? What about my happiness?”

I want you to hear this from one author…

“The Christian teaching on marriage does not give us a choice between fulfillment and sacrifice. The Christian teaching on marriage is mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice.”

Mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice!

That is the kind of relationship that can transform.

So, if here is what I want you to see: Marriage is the place that God has given us to live out the gospel every single day. 

So, what am I asking you to do?

1. Repent from your sin of being in a ME marriage.
2. Give up your glory and become a servant.
3. Do for your spouse what Jesus did for you—sacrifice.