How to Handle Conflict

Conflict is not optional. It’s not a matter of if, but when.

If we polled everyone just based on their attempt to get to church this morning, we’d probably hear a dozen stories of tension, frustration, and minor explosions.

“We’re going to be late.”
“No, you can’t wear that.”
“Did you eat anything yet?”

Some of you are smiling already, thinking, Yep, you’re reading my mail. That’s exactly what went down in my house. It’s why my wife and I drive two separate cars to church.

Here’s the truth: humans are messy. And Jesus knows this. He’s not shaming us for that reality—He’s stepping into it. He offers a better way, a higher way, to live out our relationships in the midst of the conflict that inevitably comes.

As followers of Jesus, we are His ambassadors and image bearers. And He calls us to handle conflict in a way that reflects who He is and points people to Him.

Step One: Confront First with a Private Conversation
In Matthew 18:15, Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”

This is where it starts. If someone offends you, if they sin against you, your first step is to go directly to them—and do it privately.

Most of us struggle with this. It’s much easier to stay silent and let things simmer under the surface. Or we take the offense to a friend, mask it as a prayer request, and begin recruiting support for our side of the story.

But Jesus gives us no room for that. He says, Go and tell him his fault—just the two of you. That’s how reconciliation begins. That’s how unity is protected.

It’s also a call to humility. Jesus knows we’re going to mess up in our relationships. He’s not surprised by that. But He loves us enough to tell us how to handle it well.

When Confrontation Feels Uncomfortable
Let’s be honest. For many of us, confrontation feels unnatural and awkward.

When someone wrongs you, what’s your initial reaction? Do you push it down and pretend it didn’t hurt? Do you explode and put them on blast? Or maybe you stew in silence, playing the offense over and over in your mind.

Regardless of how we naturally respond, Jesus points us to a better way. Confrontation isn’t about attacking someone. It’s about loving them enough to be honest, and valuing the relationship enough to fight for it.

And sometimes, the other person doesn’t even realize they hurt you. Or maybe they do, and they’ll continue unless it’s addressed. Either way, silence doesn’t solve it. Over time, it builds calluses on your heart. You start to feel distant, disconnected, and bitter.

The longer you avoid, the harder your heart becomes—and the wider the relational gap grows.

Three Things Not to Do
Jesus makes it clear: handle it privately and directly. But how we approach that step matters too.

Here are three practical “don’ts” to keep in mind, followed by one essential “do.”

1 - Don’t Confront Digitally
This is a big one. Don’t try to resolve conflict through text or email.

Digital communication doesn’t carry tone, facial expression, or body language. It leaves too much room for misunderstanding. What was meant as gentle can be read as harsh. What was meant as serious might come off as sarcastic.

A mentor once told me, “Text and email are for two things only: information and affirmation.” That’s it. Use it to say, “Great job yesterday,” or “We’re meeting at 3.”

But not for conflict. Not ever.

If you need to initiate the conversation with a text like, “Can we talk later?”—that’s fine. But the actual confrontation should be voice-to-voice or face-to-face.

2 - Don’t Talk to Others First
This one is just as tempting. We often want to process with someone else before going to the person who offended us.

We might say we’re asking for advice or prayer. But many times, we’re just venting, gathering emotional allies, or subtly spreading gossip.

Jesus says to go to the person alone. Bringing others into the situation before doing that only spreads pain, damages reputations, and fuels division.

When you keep it between you and the other person, you stop the cycle before it spins out. You protect unity. You walk in obedience.

3 - Don’t Avoid Just Because It’s Uncomfortable
For some of us, the hardest part isn’t knowing what to say—it’s choosing to say anything at all.

If your natural tendency is to avoid conflict, Jesus’ instruction may feel impossible. Thoughts swirl:

 “What if they take it the wrong way?”
 “I don’t want to come off as judgmental.”
 “What if it doesn’t change anything?”

We think that silence is peacekeeping. But peacekeeping isn’t peacemaking.

Avoidance often results in more harm, not less. Bitterness grows in silence. One unresolved offense leads to another, until the relationship is so damaged it feels beyond repair.

Jesus doesn’t ask us to fix people. He asks us to take the step. He handles the outcome.

Do This: Obey
The invitation is not easy, but it’s simple: Obey. Go. Speak the truth in love.

You don’t need a perfect script. You don’t have to know how they’ll respond. Your job is to take the first step.

Prepare your heart. Pray for wisdom. Breathe. Then take the conversation directly to the person.

Will it always go smoothly? No. But will it be faithful? Yes.

And that’s what Jesus calls us to. He loves both the offended and the offender. His desire is for restoration. And He uses our obedience—flawed and hesitant as it may be—to begin that work.

There’s a challenging but important truth here: an unwillingness to confront sin is sin.

That doesn’t mean we become confrontational people. It means we value truth, unity, and relationship enough to engage when something is wrong.

Conflict is going to happen. We’re human. We’re imperfect. But Jesus doesn’t leave us without direction.

He gives us a step-by-step approach, starting with this: when someone sins against you, go to them privately.

Not in anger. Not through a screen. Not through someone else.

Go in love. Go in honesty. Go the Jesus way.

If we can practice this first step well, we’ll protect relationships. We’ll honor Christ. And we’ll shine a light to a watching world that desperately needs to see what grace and truth look like.

This is just the beginning of what Jesus has to say about conflict. But it all starts here—with a private, courageous, Spirit-led conversation.

So breathe. Pray. Then obey.


This blog is based on the message shared by Campus Pastor Chris DeArman at our CityRise Bellaire campus on Sunday, July 20, 2025. Check out the full message below!